Divine Mentor

I just got my first personal book of the new year, Divine Mentor by Wayne Cordero and after reading the introduction, I am fired up to read it. I discovered the book accidentally when Brad Bell referenced it in a message of his (surprised?) and decided to check it out. I have only read the introduction, but I love it thus far:

“Encouragement is God’s native tongue. But encouragement without change is like a bicycle with only one pedal. Our participation is required. Encouragement turns into hope when His instructions find our ready acceptance and application.”

I just finished reading and researching for my paper on the Emergent Church for contemporary theologies last semester, and while it has many noble goals, its position on orthodoxy and the scriptures turned me off to the point where labeling the movement and its teachers as apostates does not bother me. Reading a book that returns the Word of God to a place of esteem is like a breath of fresh air.  I am so glad to be reading something other than McLaren.

The Hampster Wheel is back

After a amazing, and extremely unpredictable break, we’re all back on the social and educational treadmill of our time…but only for a few more months! It’s fear and sorrow all rolled up into one convenient little serving called spring semester 08. Only a few short months until we have to step out in that real adult world, and who knows what that will mean for some of us. Not to mention the reduced friendships….thats part of life. Geography is a harsh reality of friendships, and I have to honestly confess it really doesn’t bother me to see some fade away.  I don’t think there was a lot of depth or meaning on both sides, but there are a few, perhaps three in particular, that I will miss seeing regularly and knowing they are easily accessible.

This semester is already starting out on a good note, with challenges and blessings – I’m looking forward to trying to work with them within me for positive change.

Student Stress!

I heard from a little birdy that Dr. Heath went into a staff meeting with the words: “Has anybody noticed that stress levels among students are high right now?”

I’m glad its not just me. Let’s get the final tidal wave tally….. I have a paper due Wednesday. A paper due Monday. A paper due Monday (no I’m not not not stuttering) . I need to read five books over Thanksgiving break in order to be adaquately prepared to write my research paper for contemporary theologies and in the meantime still manage to do the chapater reading and summaries for that course; which may not sound like a big thing to you, but you trying reading Miroslav Volf the first time through and see if it makes perfect sense …. okay,  maybe I’m just dumb.

But this semester is turning out to be a ridiculous work load. When am I going to find time for Greek grammar and syntax? Sheeesh!

Rubber CornDog

I recently stumbled upon a quote that seemed like it could be the exposition of Proverbs 17: 17 – A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

“You will come to realize at certain points in your life that the real friends you have and the ones you appreciate are the ones coming in the door when everyone else is walking out it.”

More on this later….

O Sweet Nectar

of vindication.

I just returned to campus from my second consecutive weekend trip home. And this weekend, though still a bit stressful because things are unresolved – left me with at least a little bit of a sense of vindication for feeling the way that I do. I was talking with my mother [thank God for mothers] about how the Ashley situation is going – how her departure just broke my heart. At times I question if I should feel as sad about it as I do. At times I question whether or not if I told others how hurt I was and by what if they would find my sanity suspect. But my mom, a woman of great wisdom and a discerning spirit spoke to me in a way that really affirmed for me that I’m not crazy to feel the way that I feel.

She knew full well, after having spent a summer talking to her about my opinion and thoughts concerning Ashley what I was planning to do when I came back to school. I was somewhat shocked however when she told me that she was firmly convinced that when I did return to campus and Ashley and I got a chance to get face to face again, that we would rekindle things and start fresh to build a new foundation – and this is the part that shocked me – that by the end of the year the next time I brought Ashley home to meet the folks, that I would be bringing my mother her new daughter in law. That folks is huge ….

My mom is not one to jump to conclusions and I have learned (sometimes the hard way) that her observations have a great deal of validity and weight to them. Back yonder in the days when I was 18 and “deeply in love” with Kimberly, we were both of like mind that we were on the fasttrack to getting married. You would have had an easier time trying to convince me that the sky was not blue over the idea the Kimberly and I were not meant for each other and it was just a matter of time before the rings came in. When we imploded, after a period of time, my mom finally confessed to me that she was just waiting in the wings for the thing to fall apart because she felt we weren’t a good match for each other. This weekend, when she told me that from what she could tell of Ashley’s personality, what she saw in and between us when she visited the house over Christmas break and in me and from me during the summer, she thought “Ashley was going to be in our lives for a very long time. I really thought she was the one for you.”

To hear that from my mom – it makes me much less fearful that I am a crazy person for being so broken hearted over this girl.

Although….that too may be changing. I am dreadfully disappointed to learn how vindictive and mean a streak she may have to her personality – and for things that have no foundation in reality at that. I hope that it is just painful confusion and that she is really not that mean of a person. In a sense, I’ve got from one big central question to now exploring at lot of peripheral? Does her faith really have feet to make it through the hard times if the answer is to run away and take some pills rather than confront things head on? Did the things she said to me really have weight and validity in truth in light of the decisions and ways she is treating me now? Only time will tell – but those things are on the radar.

And I think I finally found my season scripture – you know those seasons of your life where you come across something in the Bible that really resonates with you because you see yourself in it. It’s Proverbs 17, “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”

Secret Misery (That’s not quite so secret anymore)

Since Friday, I have eaten very little. I don’t think I actually ate anything Friday at all. Saturday i had two sugar cookies in the afternoon and Sunday I had some rice. My mother and father were trying to lure me into eating something so they used high bar as bait. It worked a little bit. I didn’t eat at all Monday, had one hamburger Tuesday and Today is Wednesday…. I don’t feel much like eating today either. I don’t feel hungry. I’m thinking it will probably be that way the rest of the week. My eating habits have been declining at an economical speed since early this semester. I still drink water, but only at night to take these herbs so I can try and sleep. They knock me out for a little bit, but it’s probably longer than any sleep I could find on my own without them. It’s without a doubt a good thing I asked for them. I think they may have kept me from ending up in the ER. I really am not one to exaggerate, but I haven’t been drinking anything for awhile except the water to down those suckers. I was looking at my lips and the pigment of my fingernails and I think I am in the initial stages of severe dehydration. I’m going to try and drink a little bit more water today – you can’t rush it. The eating thing is nothing new, I haven’t been doing it with great regularity since pretty much the beginning of the year. Since last week however, anything longer than 5 hours is a fantasy when it comes to sleep……….. And I think it’s beginning to take it’s toll. Not only does my mind not work well and I can not focus, but standing up is starting to become taxing. My legs feel funny sometimes and today my chest has felt weird on and off. I’m not sure if any of my organs are messed up. My mind started going immediately to the worst case scenario and thinking heart damage – I’m not sure what diminished nutritional intake does to a person over a long period of time. I’m living a lab experiment I guess. Today was the first day back to MWF classes for me since last Wednesday, and walking back and forth from LBR and measell has worn me out.

I recently lost a very important person in my life and I don’t want to debrief details anymore than that, so don’t call me to ask please. But I don’t know if you ever had somebody abandon you whom you have come to love and you didn’t end on good terms. Perhaps you hurt the person deeply. I managed to hit two birds with one stone, not only was I abandonded (at least thats how I feel) but I managed to wound somebody whom I have come to love and lost them on top of that. The only thing that makes it even more painful is to be tortured by the hope that perhaps its not forever – I don’t know if there is a cliche out there that says love makes us all into fools but there should be. It seems how wounded the both of us are is being gradually revealed. I feel somewhat at a disadvantage however because the weight of my pain and sorrow seems to be increasing the more I learn how wounded the other party is. I have been severely broken hearted in knowing this other person is hurt as well. I don’t want to say I’m coming apart at the seems because it seems to melodramatic and I think that’s dumb – but some days I do feel a very genuine sense of deterioration; whether spiritual, physical or emotional, or all three.

Now things are not only spinning out of control, but they no longer make sense and in my opinion, no longer resemble reality.

The paradigm shift is frightening, but its also extremely hurtful. Look, we all know that sometimes we hurt others, even the ones closest to us. Many if not most times it’s accidental, but to purposefully want to do harm to someone …. especially when that someone is you, and you care about the person seeking to harm you ….. there are no collection and combination of nouns and adjectives that can suitably describe just how deeply that cuts you. On top of that, there is an ever increasing awareness for how deep and how wide the injury I was a partner in that is overwhelming me with sorrow. Everybody seemed to validate my rock solidness and affirm the lessons I felt I recognized and learned and labeled me as fine – which I think was accurate and true – but when you deeply care for someone. Their joy is your joy. Their sorrow is your sorrow. I try my best not to show the full breadth of it and make others feel uncomfortable or burdened, but it is certainly there. Every day, hour by hour. To try and say which one is more hurtful would be impossible, but the reality of both compounds the pain of the other.

I really don’t even feel like talking anymore sometimes … but I still respond to statements because I don’t want to be rude. I’ve decided to shave my head and keep it shaved until at least January (Yes, I know thats the cold season of the year Rich). I may not have sack cloth and ashes to mimic Job, but I can shave as a symbol of my mourning and sadness. If there is restoration during spring, I will let my hair grow again … but if not, then I will continue to keep shaving my head so as never to forget. I think it’s the only public gesture I’m comfortable with. I just recently confessed to my closest guy friends on campus that I’ve had few nights with dry eyes in my room and that I’ve kept it secret. Even just last week, I cried probably the hardest I ever have in my life when I got some pretty awful news. According to the “informed” opinion of some one, Ashley does not nor probably would ever consider wanting to start new and begin a relationship with me and as well is leaving school this semester and potentially never coming back. To think that I have hurt her that deeply … You know that type of crying that not only has profuse tears, but the bastard child of wailing and yelling mixed right in? Well I kept silent as best I could so nobody in the next room would hear me, but that was basically my evening activity.

It’s turning into a motif for the life I am living these days as well …. truly a tragedy. I would wager in her confusion that she does not know how her pain has become my pain, nor will she ever if we are doomed to never being able to speak.

Damned Money

So I found out today that the schedule for refunds goes like this:

100% Sept. 4 – Sept. 24

80% Sept. 15- Sept. 21

60% Sept. 22 – Sept. 28

40% Sept. 29 – Oct. 5

So basically, I am stuck here for three more weeks which will disqualify me from getting any sort of meaningful refund on my tuition which to leave, would just be the most grandiose gesture of disrespect ever to my parents …. so long story short, I’m stuck here until the end of the damn semester. I hate being a Simpson. This place used to be my greatest blessing … now it being tainted, it is my worst curse. I don’t feel like I belong here. I can’t seem to do anything right. And I finally discover somebody is REALLY important to me, and it’s to little to late.

Where have all my deep posts gone?

I still have yet to finish my big long post on why I now think that post-modernity is more of an enemy than a friend to Christianity. I’m sort of excited about it – I think it’s pretty good, but the things that take up my energy these days are not what I had planned.

I am (I think) somewhat calmed down from a flat out awful day yesterday, but my emotional state feels thus so far, woefully unchanged, nor my leaning to leave school. This year is certainly far and away from anything I had planned or expected, I have still yet to talk to Matt tonight to tell him I honestly can’t promise my room won’t be empty a month from now. I told him yesterday that I didn’t forsee myself returning to the RA position anytime soon, I was sorry to disappoint him. But after receiving some heart breaking news, I had to be up front with him that I was going to be non-functional for awhile at best, and at worst – leave school and not finish my senior year in the interest of emotional survival.

I went and found out today that Nov. 9th is the last day to withdraw from classes. Now I just have to figure out if/how I can have my tuition money refunded (I’m certain they will probably keep room an board).

I think I may be enlisting in the military sooner that I had thought….. Life never, ever, seems to work out the way you try to plan it or would want it. I wonder why.

Man crush on Miroslav

One of the text books for my contemporary theology course is called Exclusion & Embrace by Miroslav Volf and the subheading on the bottom of the book is:

“A theological Exploration of Identity, Otherness, and Reconciliation.”

God never fails to hook me up.

Handcuffed

I am developing a new found sympathy for disabled people. Wanting to do something, but not being able to.

To borrow a lengthy quote from favorite show, “And you know when I look back at the time that we have spent together … you are good for me Dee, and I need you……………. And I don’t think I ever really realized that until I knew that I was losing you.” [ Go Battlestar Galactica, go get er' Apollo!]

As crazy as it seems, I think the biggest mistake I made last year, probably the biggest mistake I’ve made in a long while (and that’s saying something) was not to lock up some sort of commitment with Ashley last year. We’re the perfect gift mix! I think of us like a Paul and Barnabas. One a brash riot starter, the other a gentle encourager who wants to give everybody a hug. I know you may think that those two split ways in Acts, and given that it did happen, is anybody really so crazy to think that was the best thing that could happen or did God just use a bad situation …

Now not only can I not, but we are not on talking terms. For some reason after she got back from her missions trip she never returned any of my calls nor replied to any of my text messages. Maybe she thought I didn’t care for her anymore?  I wouldn’t blame her. I was pretty much John Jackass Smith in spring. But oh no, I do. And yes, in the more than a friend way. Not being able to have contact with her has really forced me to reflect on the thing’s I’ve missed. And man …. when we it was right, it was so RIGHT! Matt (my RD at school) has advised me to give her space and only be a responder instead of an initiator, and it’s hard because I miss her more and more, but I hope she’s not off somewhere grieving like she’s lost me, because she hasn’t. Put that in your pipe and smoke it Busk! (she doesn’t read this by the way in case anybody was curious)

Needless to say, I am frustrated at times and very sad at others. I feel handcuffed, trapped. I am unable to even communicate these things and accepted or get shot down.

Maybe it’s for the best???

That’s the only thing I can think of because I am almost sure I drove her away with my distant nature and hesitant confusion last spring and just the general distance that apparently developed over the summer. Or end of summer I should say.

I had hoped we could have a “fresh start” this fall, kind of hit the reset button and see if things developed again (as I hope they would) but the more time goes on, the more difficult it gets.

To which I say ………. Poop!

I really like this girl but she’s just out of my reach

Talk about a role reversal. It’s like somebody decided to do a Broadway production of last spring except I got cast for the role of Ashley and she got cast for the role of Josh. One thing is certain, I have a new found understanding and disgust for what I put her through last spring.

Man I’m a jerk …. maybe I’m reaping what I sow eh?